Fading Feelings... Bleaching Life.

Evertime I look up into the sky, strangely... I feel somehow distressed. Today, the sky also looked glum -- all white, as if it had no emotion at all. Everything pretty much felt bitter. My mind kept on wandering around in circles -- what was happening to life? Again, everything was bleaching, the colours seemed to be fading away. The atmosphere -- which before it was full of cheer and happiness -- became dull and boring!

But the worst thing that I experienced was "that". For some reason, my friends talk lesser to me -- especially my friends on Facebook. They became lifeless when we conversed. It made me feel sad and worried. Each time we talked, I really hoped for myself to bring out a good conversation -- but stupid me, I wasn't able to do it. Perhaps I felt too pathetic to start a conversation. To be honest, I really had no idea what to talk about.

Perhaps... this is what that person told me. About the dulling life. About the fading emotions.
But I don't want that to happen! Why? Why does this happen when I live my life to the fullest? Why does the excitement fade away just when I smile and bring out the true me? Why does the colours of the emotions bleach just when I realized about my true feelings?

It's absolutely not fair!

As everything became duller and blank, my feelings for that person began to... fade away as well. I cannot feel the heart-thumping footsteps anymore. I cannot blush like a used to anymore. I cannot smile widely anymore. But the most horrible thing is, I cannot express my feelings and emotions anymore.

Will everything I held between my hands... become dissolved?

I don't want life to become colourless.
I don't want my friends to become sad.
I don't want the world to become dull.
I don't want my feelings for that person to fade away!

Will someone listen to my distress? Perhaps Allah will. Perhaps they will.

A Silent Scream

Made in 28.10.08.
I was kind of bored and began searching stuff on my notebook -- fortunately I found this poem I wrote a long time ago when I was still on Dubai. [I was still pure that time. No perverted thoughts or anything. Ah, memories sure are good... XD]

The breeze flows calmly through the air once more,
Carrying the tear from my eyes;
Just a tear,
Lingering around the faceless meadow.
A silent scream roared in my heart.



I sit here with a worn-out smile --
While the breeze slashed right through the wounded cut,
Pain drifting the happiness away.
A silent scream roared in my heart.



If only the world could see what I feel,
Then, would the world, know who I am?
I've found, lost and feared the world so bad.
A silent scream roared in my heart.



Time and distance have erased from the map,
The things I wished anew was abolished for ever.
And now I find myself alone and empty once more;
A silent scream roared in my heart.



Confusion shattered my mind swiftly,
I am lost to reality and living in time,
Though I am struggling through life
A silent scream roared in my heart.



"Why do I always need to need you when you're gone?
Where do you go when I'm around?
What have I done, what have I lost that's so defeating?"
A silent scream roared in my heart.



Travelling from world to world I did,
To heal my wounds and search for the right elucidation.
I thought that I could live afresh, but again --
A silent scream roared in my heart.



A thunderous silence breaks in my thoughts,
What was once many great ideas --
Is now a triumph, lost.
A silent scream roared in my heart.



What would it be like to stay like this forever?
To be lost in my own words and thoughts?
From the inside, looking out --
A silent scream roared in my heart.



Does the world know how it feels,
To be afraid of something
That you can't do anything about?
A silent scream roared in my heart.



I want to overcome that unfamiliar feeling,
Which showers me with its antagonizing rays of betrayal,
Portraying nothing but false pretenses.
A silent scream roared in my heart.



Tonight my memories are still chasing it in my mind
And havoc they wreak in their desperate plight.
But it has vanished, slipped away into the everlasting night.
A silent scream roared in my heart.



Walk to the window and peer into the endless night,
The clouds and the winds are gone now;
Only the moon with the dim sparks of hope.
A silent scream roared in my heart.



So now, I journey on alone with my heart bare,
Forever wandering, toward the sunrise I will glide.
Hence I shall ask you once again,
What good is love.



"Life is bittersweet, alright."
The last silent scream roared in my heart.

Hmm, I really wonder if I should post this on Facebook or not. Argh, I'm so confused. I want to show my friends this poem, but I'm afraid that they'll think that I'm in love! Well, actually I'm not really in love. Even though...

Is Hell Really Gone?

"YES! TAKE THAT!"
Yes, yes. That was my first thought when the final exams finished on Friday 19th. I was finally relieved -- but at the same time more stressed than ever. There are many tests that I couldn't make it well! I had to admit -- It was very hard. Not to mention that I just came to Indonesia (well 8-9 months ago) and then I had to learn my own native language by force. Imagine that my face was beaten like this:



At least it "looked" like that...
After the tests finished, I head home quietly but I could hear my own voice inside screaming for a celebration. Then the horror came.
When I opened the door, my mom immediately asked: "How's the tests?" I lied of course, "Pretty good." I don't know if she looked convinced or not but perhaps according to my instincts, she looked pretty convinced. Thank God, I smiled.
I just can't believe how hard the exams were! They were all killing my nerves and spines. To be pretty honest, I studied a lot but the questions + answers are totally unexpected! They didn't cover up my vision at all... I was pretty much stressed -- but I kept on remembering my promise to my mom.

"To pass 7th Grade"

How stupid I could be? I made some impossible promises... I sulked.
I hope hell is really gone! But what's more now?
High School = more exams
College = MORE MORE exams
Job = ...can't tell.

*bends and cries*

Life is so cruel sometimes..

Madness

XXXXXX, xxth of June, 2009


"I...don't want to be hated by her..."

Those were my first words when I woke up in that gloomy day. I couldn't sleep very well and yet my mind kept on telling me to forget it -- but my instincts told me otherwise. After taking a shower and then I ate. My mom stared at me and I think that she's quite suspicious of my weird behaviour but I ignored her and ate a little bit faster, so that she can relax.

Dad took me to school and along the trip he sang along with the radio. Stupid goddamn radio, I thought -- annoyed. My mood was messed up yet I didn't even know why! Perhaps it is because of yesterday...
Yesterday... I mumbled inside my mind. And quickly panicked when my dad said, "Shania get off, we're at school already."

Without any reason, I swear that I could hear my heart thumping loudly in my chest as "that" person walked towards the gate from far. I entered to school quickly and said nothing to my dad.
Inside the corridor, next to class 8-A, I caught a glimpse of "that" person again. She seemed to be in a bad mood again and I guess that if I talked to her, she would ignore me again -- just like yesterday. I panicked again but then my stupid mind told me to be quiet.

Inside the class, waiting until the lessons start. I hid my face inside my bent arms on the table and panicked again. But after 2 minutes, it seemed that my consciousness faded and I think that I started to fall asleep...

.....
.........
.................
.........................

Few minutes later, I could hear someone put their things abruptly on the table and then I told myself in my mind,
I guess that's Tia.......... I wonder if she's really mad at me................
After that I fell asleep again.
3 minutes later, Laras showed up and also put her things a little bit abruptly. It surprised me and I accidentally lift my head up so that I can see her. But then my instincts told me to stay still -- it wasn't surprising.
Suddenly, stupid and idiotic tears rushed down to my cheeks! At first I wasn't aware of it but then when I lift my head up again, Laras seemed to stare at me then glanced quickly towards Tia -- I think. At that moment I mumbled,

"Laras, can you give me tissue...?"

She checked her bag and gave me one sheet. I wiped my face and then glanced quickly towards Tia. She was doing something -- perhaps drawing? I looked to Laras again and then she said something that I wasn't expecting to hear. Even though I forgot what her words were... but it sounded cutting, however I knew that she tried to cheer me up. I smiled anyway to erase my stupidity. I glanced at Tia many times and felt guilty. I'm just like a goddamn peeping tom! (forgive meeee.....)

Then 10 minutes later, Khalisha showed up. Laras screamed happily because Khalisha had never been to school so early -- usually she gets to school ten or twenty minutes later after the bell rings. Then Khalisha went to Tia and talked to her.
I wonder if she's mad too......
I thought with my mind full of worry, even though I wasn't supposed to be worried -- like Laras has said.
Throughout the lessons until the end of the school, everything was tiring... I forgot several homeworks but I decided to hide somewhere in my brain so that I can fully forget about it.

Well school was entirely boring. Even though I played and chatted with Laras, everything felt dull and silly and incomplete somehow. I kept on telling myself to smile to hide that depression in my heart. But I couldn't! That made Laras a bit mad also...

After school, I went to the car and told myself in my mind again,

I hope this ends very soon, please God. Let it end.