Madness

XXXXXX, xxth of June, 2009


"I...don't want to be hated by her..."

Those were my first words when I woke up in that gloomy day. I couldn't sleep very well and yet my mind kept on telling me to forget it -- but my instincts told me otherwise. After taking a shower and then I ate. My mom stared at me and I think that she's quite suspicious of my weird behaviour but I ignored her and ate a little bit faster, so that she can relax.

Dad took me to school and along the trip he sang along with the radio. Stupid goddamn radio, I thought -- annoyed. My mood was messed up yet I didn't even know why! Perhaps it is because of yesterday...
Yesterday... I mumbled inside my mind. And quickly panicked when my dad said, "Shania get off, we're at school already."

Without any reason, I swear that I could hear my heart thumping loudly in my chest as "that" person walked towards the gate from far. I entered to school quickly and said nothing to my dad.
Inside the corridor, next to class 8-A, I caught a glimpse of "that" person again. She seemed to be in a bad mood again and I guess that if I talked to her, she would ignore me again -- just like yesterday. I panicked again but then my stupid mind told me to be quiet.

Inside the class, waiting until the lessons start. I hid my face inside my bent arms on the table and panicked again. But after 2 minutes, it seemed that my consciousness faded and I think that I started to fall asleep...

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Few minutes later, I could hear someone put their things abruptly on the table and then I told myself in my mind,
I guess that's Tia.......... I wonder if she's really mad at me................
After that I fell asleep again.
3 minutes later, Laras showed up and also put her things a little bit abruptly. It surprised me and I accidentally lift my head up so that I can see her. But then my instincts told me to stay still -- it wasn't surprising.
Suddenly, stupid and idiotic tears rushed down to my cheeks! At first I wasn't aware of it but then when I lift my head up again, Laras seemed to stare at me then glanced quickly towards Tia -- I think. At that moment I mumbled,

"Laras, can you give me tissue...?"

She checked her bag and gave me one sheet. I wiped my face and then glanced quickly towards Tia. She was doing something -- perhaps drawing? I looked to Laras again and then she said something that I wasn't expecting to hear. Even though I forgot what her words were... but it sounded cutting, however I knew that she tried to cheer me up. I smiled anyway to erase my stupidity. I glanced at Tia many times and felt guilty. I'm just like a goddamn peeping tom! (forgive meeee.....)

Then 10 minutes later, Khalisha showed up. Laras screamed happily because Khalisha had never been to school so early -- usually she gets to school ten or twenty minutes later after the bell rings. Then Khalisha went to Tia and talked to her.
I wonder if she's mad too......
I thought with my mind full of worry, even though I wasn't supposed to be worried -- like Laras has said.
Throughout the lessons until the end of the school, everything was tiring... I forgot several homeworks but I decided to hide somewhere in my brain so that I can fully forget about it.

Well school was entirely boring. Even though I played and chatted with Laras, everything felt dull and silly and incomplete somehow. I kept on telling myself to smile to hide that depression in my heart. But I couldn't! That made Laras a bit mad also...

After school, I went to the car and told myself in my mind again,

I hope this ends very soon, please God. Let it end.